


Round Robin

by Lorca_McAlias



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Deliberate Badfic, F/M, Het Mpreg, Hoth is Cold (Star Wars), Kaminoans Being Assholes (Star Wars), OOC-ness, Rocks Fall Everyone Dies, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:15:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27137161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lorca_McAlias/pseuds/Lorca_McAlias
Summary: Two people try their hand at co-authoring a simple Obitine story. Emphasis on "try".
Relationships: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze
Kudos: 10





	Round Robin

**Author's Note:**

> Line breaks indicate a change of “author”.
> 
> The song referenced is Winter Time by Vienna Ditto. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhoI-7sgJpo

Three figures stood on the side of a mountain.

“Is this some kind of quirky elopement or did you really nab yourself a Jedi?” Bo-Katan asked her sister.

“I really did kidnap him.” Satine replied. This didn't surprise Bo-Katan any more than the two of them having shown up here in the first place did. She never had understood her sister's weird “pacifism” idea, and so had more or less given up on trying to predict what she would and wouldn't find acceptable.

“He's not tied up very well, then, is he?”

“I'm tied up just fine.” Obi-Wan said, slowly waving his hand in a way that strongly implied he wasn't.

“You're tied up just fine.” Bo-Katan repeated, before turning her attention back to her sister. “If you can pull this off it would certainly win you back some respect from the old guard. But to be perfectly frank with you I'm a bit skeptical about this whole thing.”

“How so?” Satine knew very well how difficult this would be, but there was always the chance her sister would notice some potential problem she'd missed.

“Well, for one your own allies are going to try to forcibly take him back.”

“I know.”

“And the idea behind a normal marriage by abduction is that a man takes a woman, gets her pregnant, and then her family decides they'd rather let him keep her than be stuck with a single pregnant woman. You might be able to keep him from running off if you can break his spirit, but that would take longer and might just piss his people off even more.”

“I like Obi-Wan's spirit just fine the way it is.” Satine said icily.

“Then what in the world is your plan?”

* * *

“She got me pregnant.” Obi-Wan says when it takes Satine a moment to find her words.

“Don't sass your captors.” Bo-Katan growls. She makes a move to smack him on the head, but the ropes slung loosely around him don't do anything to keep him from dodging her.

“Stop trying to hit my fiance.” Satine said. “He's telling the truth.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Yes. Neither of us knows how it happened, but we did all the possible tests. There is a child growing inside him, and it is genetically half me.”

Bo-Katan still looked skeptical. She rushed through the ceremony, then dragged the couple back to civilization to re-do all the possible medical test she could think of. The results left no doubt about it: this bearded man really was pregnant.

“When did you find out about this?” Bo-Katan finally asked Satine. Asking the patient might be more informative, but he wasn't her sister.

“A few weeks ago. The Jedi don't know yet.”

“The healers do,” Obi-Wan added, “but they take patient confidentiality quite seriously.”

“Right. I take it the Jedi have taboos about -” well, clearly not pregnancy outside of marriage since they didn't marry. “-this sort of thing?”

“When it happens the normal way, yes. We don't know what they'd make of this situation.”

Satine looked back to when Obi-Wan had first come to her, asking if she knew anything about how it had happened. If the Force had done it, he should follow the will of the Force and keep the child (and he almost managed to hide that to him, “should” here meant “would get to”) while there were a more mundane explanation he should (would unfortunately have to) put duty first and have it removed. Until this point Satine had, as part of a strategy of picking her battles, left Mandalore's abortion laws as they were when she found them, and so she hadn't really considered it necessary to have clear views on the subject. But if the pregnant person didn't even want an abortion then it shouldn't happen, that much was obvious.

So she made off with him. Not by pointing a blaster at his face, but be suggesting they go on a short vacation to clear their minds and maybe come to new insights. Things … escalated from there.

It was probably just as well that they never did find the explanation, as the Force had manipulated things to this result rather than causing an outright miracle. It all started about a year ago, on the icy planet of Hoth.

* * *

Just take one step at a time  
We didn't get very far today  
Can you still remember  
Can you still remember why we ever came here at all  
There's a bitter wind that cuts right through   
As winter mulls in front of you   
But the course is laid

And we must chose what we can keep  
And what we must discard  
'Cause it's winter time and the living is hard

So won't you sing us a song  
Give us something to while the hours  
The one we all remember   
The one that hurts so sweetly when we're all singing along  
There's a chance that when we sing again  
The spring will echo our refrain  
And for now the night was near

And we must chose what we can keep  
And that we must discard  
'Cause it's winter time and the living is hard

And we must chose what we can keep  
And that we must discard  
'Cause it's winter time and the living is hard

'Cause it's winter time and the living is hard

* * *

[that's not a story]

* * *

[It sets the scene. This is a songfic now.]

* * *

[so you didn't even write that yourself]

* * *

Hoth was cold. Deathly cold. It was cold, and snowy, and cold. Outside the cold wind was coldly blowing, and any human who stayed there too long would freeze to death no matter how they wrapped themselves up. Inside it was still miserable, but survivable. No matter how well the doors were insulated, the cold still oozed in through the frames. It was kriffin' Hoth, and the living was hard.

It may seem hard to imagine that anyone with options would ever come there at all. And yet, Satine could have hitched a ride home with some random spacer rather than accompany Obi-Wan on this side quest of his. Granted, she wouldn't have gotten there sooner, but she would have avoided Hoth, where the living is hard.

There had been reports of Grievous leaving the planet, and since he was headed in that direction anyway Obi-Wan had been asked to investigate what Grievous might have been doing there in the first place. He didn't get very far that day. In fact, there was no evidence whatsoever that Grievous had even been there in the first place.

There was a simple reason for this: he hadn't. This trap had nothing to do with the Sith or Separatists.

A shadowy figure watched the couple as they made their way through the base. Satine Kryze was not supposed to be here. Jedi were supposed to go around risking their lives all over the place for no reason, so if one of them happened to freeze to death while investigating things on a Hoth base with a faulty heating system people would be sad and then get over it. But if a planetary ruler died there would be calls for an investigation. Clearly a more direct approach was needed.

Obi-Wan could sense that they were being watched. He was feeling cold, on edge, and cold. Suddenly something jumped at him from the shadows. Instinctively, he swung his lightsaber. Once he'd seen who he'd hit he was overcome with an intense feeling of dread.

There on the ground lay the lifeless body of Bo-Katan Kryze.

* * *

“Gee, golly, gosh,” said Satine “the love of my life just killed my sister. That's unfortunate.”

After they'd taken a moment to process this tragedy, they decided to political fallout would likely be so bad that it would be better to hide the body and replace her with a clone. Their reasons for doing this instead of doing something else should be obvious, so I won't waste your time explaining them, but I will waste your time pointing out hoe I'n not wasting you're time explanation them.

At Kamino our unfortunate couple were looking over their options. Apparently it was usually possible to give a clone the original's memories, or her memories up to but not including the point where she decided to kill them.

Unfortunately, extracting those memories from the brain of a corpse wasn't something they had much experience with, it took quite a lot of talking and double checking what their file said they'd ordered to just make one clone, no prototypes or backups, after all, they didn't want innocent clones to be killed on their behalf, and it wouldn't do to have multiple people running around thinking they were the real Bo-Katan Kryze.

Stine decided right then and there that the next time she wanted someone cloning she's go literally anywhere else. Iowan had taken her aside and discussed the possibility of having someone they could actually trust wipe their memories of this affair, to helot hem react more naturally to the clone. But it did mean that she would have to take notes on what immortal jerks the K amino clones were and that she should avid working with them int he future, and then come ups it some other excuse give her future self for why she had those notes and didn't remember taking them, perhaps she could forge herself some kin dog letter from a distant acquittance or something,

Obi-Wan didn't have this problem, because he didn't think there would be a next time he wanted someone cloned; As a Jedi: he wasn't concerned with passing on his genes? and as a man he had less of a reason to be nervous about doing it the old fashioned way} So he also hadn't been going around” asking hypothetical questions about the possibility of making a clone from two sources~ So he was completely blindsided when the Kaminoans announced that their first order was in development- and they'd made a prototype of the second order but it would have to be discarded for lack of incubator space.',:?;!

Before they had time to figure that one out the dark energy in the universe (dark as in you can't see it) gave up and left, causing the whole thing to implode, killing everyone.


End file.
